I've always wanted to start a blog. But until now, I guess I never really thought I'd have time for one. Actually, let's be real. I still don't have time for one, and it's pretty ironic that of all the times to start blogging, I would pick the busiest two weeks of the year. The time when everyone is stressed out and cramming for finals, and turning in their last projects, and writing ridiculously long papers, and completing their portfolios. But hey, everyone needs a little distraction during finals in some form or fashion, don't ya think?
Okay, if we're being really real, maybe I've never actually started a blog in fear that no one would read it. And why should they (or I guess I should say why should YOU, since you are reading this right now)? There's nothing extraordinary about me. I'm just a simple girl, trying to figure out life like everyone else.
But... I've decided to do it anyway. Not really for anyone else's pleasure but my own, although I will be happy if people really do want to read it. (That being said, this is your warning: there will be NO filter on this blog. Sorry I'm not sorry!). And because it's a great distraction for me from studying (I hate studying). And because just maybe, I may want to have this someday to reminisce; to look back on in a few years and say "Wow! So much has changed since then."
And that's exactly where I am right now. In a place of change. And I can't say that I love it. Actually to say that I even like it would be a little far fetched.
Change is hard for me. And scary. And very REAL. Maybe that's because I'm a feeler, maybe to a fault. Mom has always said that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Nonetheless, whether I'm more emotional about change than others, there's been a lot of it going on recently in my life. And I can't say that I've loved it all. But I've come to find that sometimes, even though it's rough in the beginning, it isn't always as bad as we think it's going to be.
The fact that I am a senior in college, getting ready to finish up my next to last semester, gives me a lump in my throat. It literally makes me feel queasy. Partly because it's gone by SO fast, and partly because I have absolutely NO idea what my plan is after college.
A few months ago, if you had asked me what I was doing after graduation, I could have spit it out like reciting the pledge of allegiance in homeroom during elementary school. I could have told you what graduate school I was going to be attending next fall, I could have told you what people were still going to be a part of my life, and I could have told you who I was going to spend my future with.
But things don't always turn out the way you think they're going to. Sometimes change comes along and catches you at the least expecting of times. Your whole world is flipped upside down. Things happen. People change. Or don't change. Plans don't materialize. Some dreams die. And others are born. Something else comes along. And you're wondering how you got to the place where you currently are because it all happened so fast.
And I've come to find in these past few weeks that that's the beauty of it all. The beauty of God being in control. Of Him having a plan. A plan greater than my own ever was, or ever could be. Thank goodness for that.
I don't have it all figured out. Not at all. I'll be the first to admit that. But what I have figured out is that trusting Jesus is in complete control of my life instead of worrying about what comes next, and letting go of the fear of change because it's not part of MY plan, is the most freeing thing of all.
Lately, I've been clinging to this verse. It's a verse that's gotten me through the roughest of days. But I've been practicing it. Constantly. Wholeheartedly. Every day.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in My love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that My Joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."
-John 15: 9-11
And I've found, amidst the change, the change that's so scary and hard and real, that to Remain in His Love is ALL I need to get me through.